My mind is like a book, and here it is.

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted in here.

I think it’s amazing how quick my emotions change, especially for the friend I haven’t talked to in so long. I love how time had no effect on us and I’m so glad we’ve gotten to hang out once more. At the same time, I hate you for doing what you did to me so many years ago. I wish I could forget it. I hope our friendship lasts, and I hope one day I can forget everything. Let’s start new, fresh, on a clean slate, however you want to put it, because last night was an eye opener for me on what I’ve been missing out on these past 4 years.

To the abusive one. I wish we could be better friends, but I still haven’t forgiven you for what you’ve done to me. The mental abuse was too much; you said you loved me. It was all a terrible lie. For a year and a half you did this to me, lied, cheated, you played me. I can be friendly, I can say hello, maybe pass on a joke. But I will never forgive you for what you’ve done.

And as for you, distant love of mine, all the way in fucking North Dakota, you’ve been so wonderful to me through these 2 years of being together, breaking up, being confused over what we want, the romance, the laughs, the tears and the plans to move in. I’m glad I did this all with you and I’m eager for more. I’ve never had someone to care so much, to stick by me when I’ve done so much to hurt you, and to still be here with me when I was an emotional wreck. Since you’ve been here, I’ve become stronger, happier, my self esteem has risen and I’ve learned to trust again. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, for us, even when I don’t make it seem like I do.

This is what love is; learning to trust, learning to stand by someone no matter what they’ve gone through, and staying with them when they’re at their worst.

It’s about time I realize that the only thing keeping me from what I want is myself.

Had a terrible dream that I had just bought a box of Newports before school. Then, I stand by the door of the school, Mrs. Sweeney approaches me and says, “What do you have in your pockets, huh?!” I say, “Pocket change…?” and pull out a few quarters. She lifts me over her shoulder and takes me to the office to be expelled, but I being sneaky slip the cigarettes to a woman who already had a cigarette in her mouth. She greatly appreciates it and holds my secret of having them. My family shows up and takes me home, and I woke up too early to figure out if I ended up getting expelled or not.

Don’t think that you have to be pretty for anyone except yourself. You don’t have to be attractive for your friends, your co-workers, the public or your significant other. One thing I’ve thought of though, is that I don’t have to be attractive to them because if they’re that worried about it, then they don’t matter. The only people who I plan to impress is myself, my mother and my grandmother. I’m sorry, wrong choice of words.

Me, my future self, and my guardian angel.